I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
