the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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