his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
