i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
