just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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