Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
