life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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