My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
