but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
