Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
