saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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