So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
