Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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