Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
