My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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