alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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