why do cheetos always look like penises
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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