Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
