I want to walk on stilts...naked
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
