then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
