I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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