im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
