You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
