When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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