Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
