how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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