If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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