How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize