WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
