you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
