Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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