You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
