these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
