Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
