So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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