Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
