Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize