Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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