so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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