he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize