I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
