Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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