Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
