i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
