i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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