May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
two words...techno handjob
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
