Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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