The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
