I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
