And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
