My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize