I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
