Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
