New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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