i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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