I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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