Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
BRING THE BAGELS
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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