I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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