Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
