you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
