just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
