and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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