Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize