I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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