I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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