i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
