can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize