At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
