My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize