In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
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