he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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